Turn your depression into a springboard to success.
Twelve simple, not easy, steps.
I told my therapist, “Everyone thinks I’m crazy.” “That’s not true,” he said. “I’m glad to hear that,” I said, “especially from you.” “Not everyone knows you,” he said.
I suffered through a deep depression 8 years ago. Best thing that ever happened to me. How could depression be good? It was the catalyst for my personal growth. I’m a more open and compassionate person now. And humble too. Depression will do that for you. No extra charge.
“I had a big breakthrough last week. I realized I start things and never finish them. So last night for dinner, I finished off a whole chocolate cake.”
Mental illness doesn’t run in my family. It gallops. When my back went out, I was stuck in bed for weeks. My go to stress reduction tool, running, was not an option. I spiraled downhill fast. Standing at the edge of the precipice, looking down into the void, I could succumb to the despair that debilitated members of my family, or write a new chapter for future generations.
“I tried mindfulness once. The teacher told us to focus on the present moment and empty all the other thoughts out of our head. I didn’t get it. If I’m supposed to empty all the thoughts out of my head, why do they call it mind-full-ness?”
For me, depression was a state of self-absorption. I was so caught up in my back pain, all I saw was a life full of suffering. I forgot I had a loving wife and sister who would be devastated if I gave up on myself. I felt alone, but that was a lie. According to the World Health Organization, depression outranks both cancer and heart disease as the NUMBER ONE DIABILITY in the world today. Two hundred and sixty four MILLION people worldwide, suffer from depression, and that was BEFORE the covid 19 pandemic hit.
“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it, we fear we’ll lose it.” Richard Bach
It’s been the most difficult and rewarding 8 years of my life. I’ve published my first novel, Love and Prozac, become a certified executive/life coach and completed the Escape from Alcatraz swim. I’ve also found my WHY. I inspire people to design and build extraordinary lives.
“Life isn’t just about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself.”
But before I could get here, I had to dig myself out of the depths of hopelessness.
Here are my twelve steps to rebuild your life.
1) Choose life. It’s your first step on a wonderful journey.
2) Work to heal yourself every day. No pill or program will fix you. You have to do the challenging work of changing yourself: your attitude about yourself, your response to disappointment, your approach to suffering.
3) Seek out professional help. Scientific studies show the most effective treatment for depression is a combination of both drugs and therapy.[i] The best therapies are CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, ACT, acceptance commitment therapy, DBT, dielectical behavioral therapy and mindfulness/meditation techniques. Find a therapist you trust and who makes you feel connected. I worked with a therapist trained in ACT for 6 months, then started reading everything related to depression I could find.
4) Ask for support from family and close friends. If those aren’t an option join a mental health support group in your community or online. Close positive social relationships are the single most important factor in maintaining both your physical and mental health during your lifetime.[ii] To find a true friend, become a true friend.
5) Forgive yourself. Guilt sucks. Don’t waste your energy beating yourself up. Contrary to popular belief, Self-forgiveness increases resilience.[iii]
“There’s nothing so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse.” Calvin . Bill Waterson.
6) Look at your situation from a new perspective. It’s cognitive reframing. What’s causing your depression? YOU ARE. It’s not what happens to you but how you respond to it that determines your mental health. In the Buddhist practice, it’s called shooting yourself with the second arrow. The first arrow for me was my back going out. The second arrow was my depression, how I responded to my back pain. That was my choice. Things don’t just happen to you. They happen for you, to learn and grow, if you are willing to take responsibility for your own mental health.
“Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Friedrich Nietzsche
7) Educate and develop yourself. Learn something new about yourself or the world every day. Search out books, Ted talks, uplifting movies, spiritual retreats, etc. that resonate for you. (If you’re really desperate, you can check out my novel, Love and Prozac, 4.3 stars on Amazon.com;-). Find whatever inspires you.
“Every now and then a man’s mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions.”[iv] Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
8) Volunteer. You can’t be depressed when you’re helping someone less fortunate than you. Volunteering reduces the symptoms of depression.[v] I help out at my local food bank once a week.
9) Express your gratitude. Expressing gratitude strengthens your friendships.[vi] I send a note or call a random friend regularly to let them know how much I appreciate them. It makes us both feel connected.
10) Tap into your spiritual practice, if you have one. If not, try cultivating one, even if you are an atheist. You don’t have to believe in God to believe in something greater than yourself; it could be karma, mother earth, the wonder of the universe or the wisdom of your ancestors. Spiritual practices build resilience to reduce depression.[vii] I took up meditation and became a fan of the Dalai Lama. I call myself a recovering Catholic/ Buddhist.
11) Laughter is the best medicine and laughing at yourself is a double dose. It allows you to step back and see your situation from a new perspective. This awareness can change your reaction to the shit you just stepped in.
“I got so depressed that the little voice in my head, you know the one who screams means things at you. He called in sick. Claimed he had laryngitis. And what did I do? I sent him a get well soon card.”
12) Have a goal. Start small. My first day it was to get out of bed and take a shower. My latest one is to write and publish one inspiring, funny and informative article on medium.com twice monthly for the next year.
Remember, recovering from depression is a process, not a destination. You will have down days. We all do, but I dive under the big, gnarly waves like a duck and surf the smaller ones.
Gary Gilberg is a writer and executive/life coach. You can sign up for his twice monthly newsletter at https://garygilberg.com/newsletter-sign-up.
[i] P. Cuijpers et al. “Adding psychotherapy to antidepressant medication in depression and anxiety disorders: a meta-analysis.” World Psychiatry. 2014 Feb; 13(1): pgs. 56–67. doi: 10.1002/wps.20089
[ii] R. Waldinger, “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study of happiness.” TEDx Talk, 2018
[iii] A. MacBeth, “Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology.” Clinical psychology review.” (2012) Vol. 32 Issue 6, pgs. 545–552
[iv] Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., “The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table.” 1873 James R. Osgood and Company
[v] Mayo Clinic, “Helping people, changing lives: The 6 health benefits of volunteering.” May 18, 2017 https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/helping-people-changing-lives-the-6-health-benefits-of-volunteering
[vi] N. Lambert et al, “Benefits of Expressing Gratitude: Expressing Gratitude to a Partner Changes One’s View of the Relationship” Psychological Science, April 2010, Vol. 21 (4), 574–580.
[vii] Crystal Park, “Religion as a Meaning‐Making Framework in Coping with Life Stress” (2005) Journal of Social Issues, 61(4): pgs.707–72. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.2005.00428.x
