How to summon your courage when you’re scared shitless.
9 simple steps to conquer your fear.
We all have our inner most fears. What’s yours? Mine was public speaking. Scared me shitless, but it got in the way of something I wanted more: to coach people to believe in themselves. (I’ll leave the obvious irony here dripping off the page.)
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right.” Henry Ford
Fear is wired into our primitive brains. It kept our ancestor’s alive. Two prehistoric men approached a strange cave. One said, “I’ll check it out.” The second one said, “That’s not a good idea.” Guess what? The first one became a saber tooth tiger’s lunch. The second one became your ancestor.
“According to public surveys, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Does this sound right? This means you’re better off going to a funeral in a casket than giving the eulogy?” Jerry Seinfeld
How to break through fear.
- Ask yourself, “Is this fear based on fact or just a projection of my mind?[ii] What am I really risking here? I realized that if I got eaten alive by the saber tooth tiger of public speaking, I would only suffer the flesh wounds of embarrassment and humility.
“Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst ones are our own fears.” Rudyard Kipling
2) “Is this fear useful? Is it helping or hurting me?” My fear of public speaking was holding me back.
3) “What if I was able to set aside my fear? How would that change my life?” This projects you into the future, beyond your fear, and opens you up to the possibility of growth.
4) “Have I ever done something that scared me before?” I was terrified of open water swimming, especially in the ocean, (remember Jaws?), until I completed the Escape from Alcatraz swim. My fear of public speaking became trivial, by comparison.
5) Accept the physical manifestations of fear: the rapid breathing, elevated heart rate, stomach butterflies. Don’t ignore or avoid them. They are normal responses to facing a tiger, even if it’s only in your head.
6) Take baby steps to face your challenge. Exposing yourself to a fearful situation in small doses will dissipate your fear. It’s exposure therapy and highly effective. [iii] I joined my local Toastmaster’s club, where I found a supportive group to get started.
7) Practice and slowly build confidence in yourself. The first time I did a 2 minute speech at Toastmaster’s, I set a club record 23 ums; that’s one um every 5 seconds! After that, um, I knew I had no, um, where to grow, um, but up.
8) When you experience a setback, don’t beat yourself up. Contrary to popular belief, self-forgiveness leads to more productivity, not less.
9) Celebrate your progress and successes. It took me 8 months, but I won my Tahoe Toastmaster’s speech contest in March of 2019, despite freezing for 12 seconds onstage. It thought I might die, but it was only a flesh wound.
Gary Gilberg is a certified life/executive coach. His website is https://garygilberg.com/
Footnotes:
[i] A. Crum et al., “Mind over milkshakes, not just nutrients, determine ghrelin response.” (2011) Health Psychology, July:30 (4) pgs. 424–429
[ii] https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/fact-or-opinion/
[iii] T. Parsons, A. Rizzo, “Affective outcomes of virtual reality exposure therapy for anxiety and specific phobias: a meta-analysis.” (2008) Journal of Behavioral Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry. 39 pgs. 250–261.
[iv] M. Wohl et al. “I forgive myself, now I can study: How self-forgiveness for procrastinating can reduce future procrastination.” Personality and Individual differences, (2010) Issue 48 pgs. 803–808
[v] D. Louie et al, “The Laughter Prescription.” Am J Lifestyle Med. 2016 Jul-Aug; 10(4): 262–267.
